What is going on.......

I have been having some trouble the past month with being very onery. I thought I was getting better and then all this with JB happened. I am on the verg of tears every night and I want to run away from my house and all my troubles. I know that isn't the answer. I am not saying that I don't love my family it's just been very challenging I don't know what the Lord has in mind for me. But WOW this is killing me. I love my kids the are the best thing that happened to me. I would love to have 4 more but I think about it and look at myself and think I am too onery and mean to be able to have anymore. WHY? what is going on? I have been thinking about it. My thoughts have gone to become more spiritual, pray a little harder , go to the temple, practice my patience, and I think keeping my house cleaner would help so it doesn't seem so cluttered here. I also think i need to start liking myself and not criticize myself so much. Oh ya, and be nicer to my hubby. He deserves it. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know I just need to make eveything better. WHY, can't our lives be fairytales, why can't they be planned out for us. Why can't it be easy. I am sorry for all of this I just needed to let it out for a minute. I apologize to all that read.