I am done......

So I am now 35 weeks 4days pregnant or I have 31 days left. but who is counting? I am hoping this little guy will come early like his two sisters did. But, my luck because I am wishing it. He won't. This pregnancy hasn't been too bad just until recently. My hip is killing me. I can somewhat walk better but have a constant dull ache in my hip. Baby is healthy and doing well. He keeps me up at night by kicking all night long. I hope when he is born he knows day from night. I was in a panic back in July. Because I thought I had kept alot of JB's clothes. Come to find out I sold all of them except for 5 outfits at a yard sale. DUMB....... I did this because I was having a dumb moment I guess. Anyways, my sister in law told me about her stake doing a clothing exchange. I didn't have to take anything I could just go. I scored big at this. I got alot of clothes for him for FREE!!!! I left with a garbage bag full. So Thanks Corrine for the invite. I was going to try to do more with my kids this summer but I am just done by the time noon comes around. So I didn't do it again. Man I suck!!!! We have gone to family events, swimming a few times, and just had fun. This past weekend has been a wild one. It all started Thursday evening my upper back just started hurting. I couldn't move at all. I was miserable. I spent the night in bed watching netflix. The next day I sat in my chair with a back massager going most of the day. I had wished earlier in the week that my Dr would put me on bed rest. I changed my mind.... I don't like that. We were suppose to go to a family BBQ and family reunion. But, I decided I just couldn't do it. A 1hr drive in the car didn't really sound comfortable. So my AMAZING sister stepped up and met Brett and took my kids for the weekend. Friday night Brett went to a BBQ with his family so I sat home and watched a movie by myself. My back had eased up a little but was moving down lower. Saturday morning I was having back labor. But, I wouldn't believe it was real and ignored it. It went away and I was able to relax and enjoy the day. I made Brett go grocery shopping that night. I walked a little bit and here came the contractions. Stupid things. So we went home and I enjoyed the night laying in bed watching a movie again..... Sunday I was done. I was bound and determined that I was going to have a good day no pain, no contractions nothing!!! WRONG!!!! My lower back and hip hurt like crazy. I kept thinking if I moved it would go away. NOPE. I tried timing them couldn't get a real count because I have the ache in my hip all the time so I could tell when it would intensify but, I was just miserable. Finally Brett told me to call the OB department. (Now I wouldn't of done this but when you live 45 minutes away from the hospital I wanted to be safe than having a baby on I-15) They told me to come in and get checked. So we did. To make a even longer story short.... No I wasn't in labor, it was false, and they gave me something for the pain. Which was nice. I am glad that he decided he needed to be in there a bit longer because I have a few more things to finish before he gets here. All I have to say I will not wish for bed rest, I will quit saying I am done, and I will wait for him to decide when he is done. Everyone else is great in the family. JB is going to be an awesome helper and brother. MK is suppose to start kindergarten I am so nervous for her because I don't think she is ready. But, she may surprise me like she has before. JA I have some trouble there. She has an attitude (that came from her father ;p) and she lets you know when something is not right. So I think this baby will give her a reality check. Baby still doesn't have a name. He may end up with no name.

Negetive Thoughts

So a couple of weeks ago I attended my Stake Relief Society Womens Conference. It was the BEST!!!!!
Hilary Weeks spoke. Can I just say that I was overcome by the spirit and was crying so hard that I couldn't compose myself. It wasn't so much what she spoke about it was her music. I love music and sometimes certain songs can just really express how I am feeling. To bad I couldn't write my own words and become a writer.
  Anyways, Hilary spoke on the Power of Thoughts.
Did you know that a person can have over 300 negative thoughts a DAY!!! I believe that. I had one of those mornings. I was probably up to 1000. After I wrote all my neg thoughts I decided to write all my positive. It helped so much. Hilary talked about how she wanted to see if this 300 was correct so she bought herself a "clicker" ( you know one of those counters that counts people going in and out of events)
 She clicked  for a week instead of a day. By the end of the week she was feeling horrible, crappy, and not happy with life. She realized that it had to do with all her negative thoughts. So for the next week she clicked for every positive thought she had. by the end of the week she had 3 thousand or more.  So her message was focus on the positive  in our lives. Our thoughts are our actions. Our thoughts make us who we are.  A friend of Hilary's found out that her father only had a few days to live. He wasn't a active member and never really said I love you to his kids. So this friend took a clicker to her dad and challenged him to click it every time someone told him that they loved him or every time he told someone he loved them. He died within a couple of days. When this friend went to her parents home her mother met her at the door and showed her the clicker. He had clicked it 6 times before he passed. Her mother said it had changed him those last days of his life.  I would love to do this for my dad. He always says yep when you tell him that you love him. I would just love it for him to see how much we love him. I will have to remember this for him when it's his last days.
This pregnancy is messing with my emotions really, really bad!!! I cry at the drop of a hat anything can trigger it. But, then I can turn into a witch. I hate the emotional roller coaster. oh dear negative thoughts.... not good.

SOME BIG NEWS

So I know it's been a long time. I also know I should be better at this. I have all these ideas and thoughts to blog about and I never do. I need to get back in the swing of things.
Things  are going really well for us right now. We are enjoying life and couldn't be happier. The kids areloving where we are right now and they are making friends.
 JB is involved in 4H basketball and will be starting a indoor golf class this week. He is enjoying 2nd grade but is wishing he had a different teacher. (but we are making the most of it.) We just had his pacemaker checked and he doing really well. It is so nice to only have to go to Primary's every 6 months. I just thank our Heavenly Father every day for how well he is doing.  We celebrated Congenital Heart Disease February 7-14. We wore heart pins that I had made and red for the week. On the 8th we invited all of our family and friends to join with us to celebrate JB's life. It was amazing the response we got. We made heart pins and delivered them or sent them to everyone. We had pictures coming in and we even got a movie from his little cousins. I am so glad that everyone could support him. He loves being with his family and friends. He is very social ( I don't know where he gets that?) He loves being with other people to play and  talk and have fun. If he could he would live somewhere else every week. He will be getting baptized with his cousin in April. He is very excited.
MK is finally dancing and loving it. It took me forever to get her into a class. But, she is happy. She is also in a JOY school. She isn't very excited about that. I registered her for Kindergarten.. Kindergarten! can you believe it. I can't. We have had to beg her to go to primary she doesn't want to go. But, after I explained that her teacher is like her grandma she is more willing to go now. I hope she will continue. She is the bestest big sister. She is so good with JA that she will be missed next year while she goes to school. MK does have feisty attitude ( i don't know where she got this either), is very shy, and has a very big imagination. We are currently housing many different animals. She goes from being a dog, to the lion king, to a horse, to a kitten. It really depends on what movie she has been watching that day.
JA what can I say. She is my terrible two yr old. She gets away with anything and will do something deliberately when you tell her no. Her favorite thing to do is to tell you not to look when she has done something. She is MK's shadow. Like I said she will be missed. JA loves to play and talk your head off. She loves chocolate milk and I wonder some days how she is surviving because that is all she had that day. She loves eating my dinner and won't touch her own. She is still a mommy's girl and I am loving it. She likes to lay in-between Brett and I and tell us we are "quishing" her, everything is awesoome, I am the best mom every,  and she loves you to do dit again (do it again). She loves playing horses, dogs, lion king also. But, her favorite is horses. She is going to be my one that gives me trouble.
BABY# 4 is 11 weeks and is due to join our family in September. Baby likes to make mom sick. Baby has made mom have really bad food aversions during these past couple of weeks.  I sometimes can't even choke down what I make for dinner. Which makes making dinner very hard. I got to see a picture of baby last week. For a long time I kept telling Brett that it was a figment of my imagination.
I have kept from telling a lot of people for personal reasons. So if any of you that read this  please don't tell. I want to shout it for the roof top! I love the thought of a new little one in our family. I am excited. I am not excited about all the aches and pains.  We are hoping for a boy so JB can get his little brother. 

So as you can see we are happy and excited. I am always better at blogging when I am pregnant so I may make a comeback.

check out my new site

Hey to those of you that still read my blog..... I have started a craft blog. Check it out.
misskatescrafts.blogspot.com

you might find something that you like.

Too much on my mind

I have a lot on my mind these days. I don't even know where to start. This is sorda a poor me post but it's been awhile. I try to hold it back and not let it show but I can't carry it anymore.
I am constantly saying a prayer that I can get answers and some relief from the things I am carrying.
So here I go.....
I hurt someone that I love. I didn't mean to. I didn't understand. I also stood up to this person and tried to tell them how I felt. I have been having trouble because even though I apologized I feel like I should beg for mercy but at the same time I want to show them that I am strong and I am not going to let them push me around anymore.

I have been feeling a lot of pressure of getting my life together and in order. I just know that Christ is going to come and I will not be able to be there. I can't let my kids not be there. I just don't know where to start. I know I have posted soooo much on here about me changing and finding my testimony but I haven't I get started then I quit. I am the worst at starting new habits. I just keep gliding along but I know it's not enough. It just ways heavily on my shoulders and my heart. I just keep praying that I will be forgiven.

I HATE money!!!!! Why can't it just be easy? I thought when Brett graduated we would be doing so well and able to get the things that we need and want. Well then reality hit me right in the stomach. Some days I wonder how much longer.  Yes, Brett could go get another job or something. But, every time he thinks of getting a different job he has a stupor of thought. Then he feels OK about where he is. So, we just keep plugging along with life and live paycheck to paycheck until we get our life on track. It just hit me. Maybe if I was better at the above we might be a little more blessed.

MOM!!!!!! What is a good mom? I would like to meet one and follow her example. Is there a mother out there that doesn't yell at her kid? YES!!! Michelle Dugger (TLC Nineteen kids and counting) She doesn't yell. I wish I could be like that. I have the personality of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I scare myself sometimes. I want you to all understand that I don't hurt my children physically I hurt them by yelling. I am struggling with this so much.
Am I teaching them all the right stuff? Do they understand me? What more can I teach them?

JB..... I worry about him on a daily basis. His pacemaker is slightly broken. They tweeked it during the summer. But, I just wait for the day that the school will call saying he is in trouble. He is my HEART HERO!!!!! But, some days I wonder if I will make it with his I DON'T WANT TOO. He is constantly arguing with us. I guess he is strong willed and that is good for him. I hate that I feel like I am constantly nagging him. I do love him he is a great helper, tender hearted, and keeps us laughing.

MK.... Do little girls have PMS? I think she is going through that right now. She keeps me on my toes. Her imagination is amazing. She is constantly playing and coming up with things to do. She is my little mommy. When the mean mommy in me comes out. She is there to comfort the others. She is the best sister to JA. They play all day I love listening to them talking and playing. She is going to be one that will always get what she wants. She can stomp her foot better than anyone I know. It's going to be fun teenage years.

JA..... Where do I start? When she started talking it was like someone turned on a switch. It's amazing. Sometimes the words that come out of her mouth amaze us. She keeps us going. She loves playing with MK. I love that she has learned how to play on her own because of MK. She has a sassy attitude. Again, it's going to be a interesting time in her teenage years. She is my little girl. I love having her hugs and kisses. I don't like being her jungle gym. but, what can I say she melts my heart

You might want to grab a tissue

Oh how my heart is full today.... I have been crying, praying and so full of gratefulness. We belong to a heart family. The Intermountain Healing Hearts. It's such a great group. We have been reserved about participating in their activities. For a numerous reasons.....
1. JB is doing so good that I hate going and seeing the other little kids struggling or hearing about all those that are waiting for miracles.
2. We are older as in JB is older than those that are there. He has made a amazing friend this past summer. He is a little boy that is a brother to a Heart Hero.

So I think I am going to start going more. I need the mother support. The Heart Moms have a group on FB and we are support to each other. They are great friends because we can relate to each other.
This week has been a struggle for us all.
A cute little 4 year old girl passed away yesterday thousand of miles away from home but surrounded by her family.  I don't know all the details about her story but what I have read she is amazing. Mia, had a heart transplant when she was 4 months old. She has done wonderful for these 4 years. She had her Make A Wish granted this year. Her dream was to meet Minnie and Micky Mouse. Her and her family flew out  to Florida to go to Disney World. She didn't make it..... She ended up in the Micky Mouse pavilion at the hospital. They thought she had pneumonia. The found out she was in full heart rejection. They were trying to do a biopsy and something went terribly wrong. She was put on life support and the bypass machine.
Her family was forced to say good bye yesterday. She had no brain function and they knew she couldn't get better for another heart. She was suppose to meet the mommy of the little boy whose heart kept her alive these 4 years. I know that the lord had her here for this short time for her family and to touch other peoples lives. 
I don't know how some of these mothers do it. I was thinking though..... I know these heart transplant  moms worry about rejection everyday. I worry alot also. JB is being kept alive on a pacemaker. His little heart depends on that. If it stops, gets broken, or it gets hit hard enough he could just drop. I could loose him. I could loose my little guy. He is my life. I don't want to waste any more minutes. I want to surround him with every experience that is available. He deserves to have a wonderful life. I don't want to be a " mean mom". I also need to do this with my little girls. Stop taking things, life, and family for granted. Oh JB, I hope you know how many lives you have touched. You amaze me everyday. I will try to be a better mom and not tell you just a minute anymore. I thank my heavenly father daily for you and that I have had you for so long. I hope to have you here on earth for another 30 years. I LOVE YOU !!!! You are my HEART HERO!!!!!
Here is a little movie  about Mia. Like I said you will need a tissue.

For Jessica

vimeo.com
I love the music I need to find it..
Thanks for listening to me. I needed to let it all out.

After almost 2 months of being dizzy. I finally put some things together and figured out what was causing such a problem. I was experiencing BRAIN SHIVERS OR BRAIN ZAPS.  Yeah I know your saying WHAT????? Well, thanks to BING I figured out what was wrong with me.
Most of you know that I have to take medicine for depression. I was on two meds and wanted to go off one of them. I talked to my DR. and we agreed that I could taper off of it. Well, She told me how to do it. But, I guess I did it too fast or not long enough. I was having withdrawals from the medicine I had stopped taking. It is scary to me to think that medicine could have such a strong effect on my body. But, I am glad I have the meds because if not.... I would be divorced, living alone, or in the nut house, and would not have my kids. I am back on a little bit of the med and will taper off of it for a longer time period.  Thank you to all of you that helped me during this time it was getting really annoying!!!!
I am feeling really bad that my kids had to suffer for it. Their summer was ruined. I feel so bad. I felt like I needed to make it up to them for moving them from all of their friends and their life. I moved them to a place where there are hardly any kids, not a fun yard and a busy road that they can't go out on their own.  And now school starts next week and I didn't do anything I wanted to with them. I hope they will forgive me and we can have other summers with more memories.
Any who, I am glad I wasn't going crazy and there wasn't anything major wrong with me.