Too much on my mind

I have a lot on my mind these days. I don't even know where to start. This is sorda a poor me post but it's been awhile. I try to hold it back and not let it show but I can't carry it anymore.
I am constantly saying a prayer that I can get answers and some relief from the things I am carrying.
So here I go.....
I hurt someone that I love. I didn't mean to. I didn't understand. I also stood up to this person and tried to tell them how I felt. I have been having trouble because even though I apologized I feel like I should beg for mercy but at the same time I want to show them that I am strong and I am not going to let them push me around anymore.

I have been feeling a lot of pressure of getting my life together and in order. I just know that Christ is going to come and I will not be able to be there. I can't let my kids not be there. I just don't know where to start. I know I have posted soooo much on here about me changing and finding my testimony but I haven't I get started then I quit. I am the worst at starting new habits. I just keep gliding along but I know it's not enough. It just ways heavily on my shoulders and my heart. I just keep praying that I will be forgiven.

I HATE money!!!!! Why can't it just be easy? I thought when Brett graduated we would be doing so well and able to get the things that we need and want. Well then reality hit me right in the stomach. Some days I wonder how much longer.  Yes, Brett could go get another job or something. But, every time he thinks of getting a different job he has a stupor of thought. Then he feels OK about where he is. So, we just keep plugging along with life and live paycheck to paycheck until we get our life on track. It just hit me. Maybe if I was better at the above we might be a little more blessed.

MOM!!!!!! What is a good mom? I would like to meet one and follow her example. Is there a mother out there that doesn't yell at her kid? YES!!! Michelle Dugger (TLC Nineteen kids and counting) She doesn't yell. I wish I could be like that. I have the personality of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I scare myself sometimes. I want you to all understand that I don't hurt my children physically I hurt them by yelling. I am struggling with this so much.
Am I teaching them all the right stuff? Do they understand me? What more can I teach them?

JB..... I worry about him on a daily basis. His pacemaker is slightly broken. They tweeked it during the summer. But, I just wait for the day that the school will call saying he is in trouble. He is my HEART HERO!!!!! But, some days I wonder if I will make it with his I DON'T WANT TOO. He is constantly arguing with us. I guess he is strong willed and that is good for him. I hate that I feel like I am constantly nagging him. I do love him he is a great helper, tender hearted, and keeps us laughing.

MK.... Do little girls have PMS? I think she is going through that right now. She keeps me on my toes. Her imagination is amazing. She is constantly playing and coming up with things to do. She is my little mommy. When the mean mommy in me comes out. She is there to comfort the others. She is the best sister to JA. They play all day I love listening to them talking and playing. She is going to be one that will always get what she wants. She can stomp her foot better than anyone I know. It's going to be fun teenage years.

JA..... Where do I start? When she started talking it was like someone turned on a switch. It's amazing. Sometimes the words that come out of her mouth amaze us. She keeps us going. She loves playing with MK. I love that she has learned how to play on her own because of MK. She has a sassy attitude. Again, it's going to be a interesting time in her teenage years. She is my little girl. I love having her hugs and kisses. I don't like being her jungle gym. but, what can I say she melts my heart