LIFE........

Isn't life interesting? I have been wanting to write about this for a bit. But, somethings have happened that I want to share my feelings, thoughts, and experiences.
I come from a small town in the middle of Central Utah. Our county has the highest rate of suicides in the state. That is scary and interesting to me. I loved living there. The downfall of living in small towns and  small communities is that everyone knows everything about you. Sometimes that can hurt you.  The rumors, mean comments, the way people look at you .The kid across the street from my mom committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. It has been on my mind so strong. Here are a few comments that I have heard:

People ask how can someone get so low to even do that?
That person is selfish for doing that to their family.

Well, I wish I could tell them why and what that person was thinking. But, I can't. What I can tell them is my experience with depression and attempt's of suicide. Yep, that is what I said.
It started when I was about a Jr. in high school. I noticed that some of my friends had quit talking to me and not wanting to hang out with me. I didn't know what I had done. Until one day they told me that if I wouldn't improve my attitude and quit being so ornery that they wouldn't hang out with me anymore. So I put on my happy face and attempted to live a happy life. My senior year came I was enjoying it I didn't think anything of it. I wanted to do something with these friends and they again told me that if my attitude didn't change that they didn't want to be around me. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I noticed that I was negative, emotional, bad attitude,  I was fighting with my mom more, and I felt lost. Don't get me wrong I had some amazing friends and loved being a teenager. I just thought that this was part of it. Well, graduation came and I was LOST!!!!! I got really depressed. My Bishop talked to my friend, he talked to me and he talked to my mom. I just smiled and said I was fine. When I wasn't. I didn't want to go to college, I just wanted to get out of my house. I had a great summer and enjoyed life. I ended up going to college and living with some friends.  I reflect back at that time in my life and I know I was trying to find myself but I did it in the wrong direction. I fell away from the church, I wouldn't go home even though my family lived only 10 minutes away, I was the meanest roommate to the people I lived with, I just wasn't happy with my life. I talked to my sister and she said that I should go talk to my dr and see if I needed to get on some kind of antidepressant to help me. Things improved. I was happier ( I think). I was going to start my 2nd yr of college I was going to me again. The good one, the one that was happy and the one that could improve herself.  Ya, well that wasn't happening. I slept alot, cried alot, I didn't go to church and felt like people were judging me, I wasn't being who I wanted to be. I knew I needed some help. But, didn't know where to turn. So to get out of the pain, guilt, and the life I wasn't happy with I thought suicide was the best way. The first time I attempted I took alot of pills. Well, good thing it wasn't anything really strong or bad. I was struggling. Brett and I started dating at this time and we weren't making the best decisions. I was really LOW..... being HARD on myself.... and just wanted it all to go away. I had a professor at Snow that I thought I could talk to. I didn't know how to talk to her. So I wrote her a note. She called me and we met. I was able to talk to her. I thought I was doing ok. Then I was hit again with some things. I again wanted out of the pain, sadness, the loneliness. I had an amazing friend that talked to me. I decided to talk to my bishop he got me set up with a counselor and I was going there. I hated it! I left hating everything 10x's more than I did when I went to see him. Brett and I were on and off trying to figure out us. I just couldn't deal with it. I had been fighting with my mom. I was just feeling like it would be better without me. So again I attempted. This time my AMAZING roommate new something was wrong and basically broke down the bathroom door to help me. I ended up going to the ER, my sister came took me to her house and then to my dr. He ended up wanting my to go to the pavilion in Payson.
So my answer to these question's..... you get so low because of the pain, guilt, the thoughts of worthless, the thought that everyone would be happier without you.
From this side of it.... don't call that person selfish you don't know what that person is going through.

I am doing amazing now. I struggle with depression and some anxiety oh and I still have my anger issues. But, BRETT has been amazing through all of this. We are going on 12 years of being together and 9 years of being married. He knows how to make me smile, help me out, and when I have a bad day he knows how to calm me down. I wouldn't be me today if I didn't have him. I wonder everyday how he can still be with me. He is good for me. he counter acts my personality and who I am. I am so grateful that the lord knew I needed him and he needed me. I LOVE YOU BRETT!
I also would like people to understand that depression isn't something you make yourself have or that will go away with a weeks worth of Meds. It's a disease. I have had people tell me to go off my meds and they don't understand why I am on them.... Well, if I had diabetes, high blood pressure, or a heart problem you wouldn't tell me to stop taking my meds.  I know the risks on or off of them.

I hope this makes sense and I am not looking for sympathy. I just wanted to share my story. I am sorry to all those families that have lost someone due to suicide. I know that they don't want to hear it but I do understand where that family member was coming from. So the next time you want to judge someone make sure you are careful you never know what affect you might have on them.